Counter Point

Congrats Chris YOU FUCKED UP YOUR LIFE AGAIN. You melodramatic asshole. She fought for you, like you have been telling youself for days now, yeah I'll be her friend if she fights for me. WELL SHE FOUGHT AND YOU THREW HER OUT. She'll never talk to you again. You could still of had a very rewarding relationship with her, she still could have made you happy but you fucked it, congrats buddy!

I love you

That is why I have done what I have. I regret that I had to do things this way but you're too important to me to see you waste your time. I should have known it would have come to this a long long time ago. I feel so stupid for my actions right now but in the end its the right thing. ITS THE ONLY GIFT I CAN GIVE YOU.

A belief

I wanna believe that lisha will fight for my friendship but that belief is only going to be betrayed until its in her best interest for me to be her friend. We'll see though.

Someone tell me what to do

Cause I don't have the slightest on what to do with Lisha. She is only going to bring me more pain. The other night I texted her for my poor behavior the last time I saw her, she called me to tell me to knock it off and some FUCKING GUY STARTS HITTING ON HER. She wanted him to talk to me and stuff on the phone I wasn't impressed. Anyways tonight she calls me to apologize for what happened that night. I was still pretty fucking angry about it. I don't know who she thinks I am or what I am, but I'm not any good at this. I was fucking crazy about this girl and she won't even give me a chance, she says that she doesn't think of me that way but I was convinced that was because she decided not to give me a chance. So I don't know if I should give her a chance. I wanted her to be my girl, she wants me to be her friend. I don't know if I can stomach her that way. She with the people she always rambled on about to me again, so why does she even need me shes back to her little world, I can get back to my state of nothing,

The things I wish I could say

When I said goodbye to elisha yesterday, I wanted to say so much more than I did. I actually thought out my words most of the trip to drop her off. My eyes welled with tears as I sat and heard her giggle on the phone with Doug trying to think of what I wanted to say. I wanted to say, "I'm going to miss you. I know you think I'm punishing you with my absence, but in truth if I was still around you every weekend, I'd only be punishing myself. I've gone to the coals for you quite a bit when it seemed I was your only friend, but I'm not your only friend I see that now. You have doug for support and whatever, Scenester Joe and whoever else. The truth is With or without me, you are going to be happy." I wanted to hug her, kiss her forehead one last time. I will talk to her once maybe twice more, but outside of that I don't know. She won't really miss me for long. Its not one of those, I suck blah blah blah things. Its just what I have learned from past experience.

I miss you lisha, and I will not forget you any time soon.

This is my blog and I'll cry if I want to

SO take that PEANUT GALLERY. The one good thing about all this is I get to resume my search for my dreamgirl. So ladies if you are under 5'6", have short sexy hair, wear glasses, small to medium breasted, thin to a few extra lbs, Love video games, comics, movies, and anime, and are under the impression that growing up is for the weak and love satirical humor. I'm your man!!!!

What sucks elisha almost perfectly fit this discription. Eh she doesn't love me SO NEXT.

Sometimes I just want to scream

Lisha laid it down last weekend, told me its just friends or nothing. So I've been trying to ignore her existance so far this week. But I get my little notice of blog updates from my rss feeds and I see her blog, and still don't see my name. I JUST WANT TO KNOW I MATTERED. Its okay I know now that I don't. She said if we hooked up that I would eventually lose her altogether but I'm more than likely going to anyway and thats the worst part. She told me that she has no feelings for me and then explained that if we did hook up that it would end badly. These two things conflict to me. If she had no feelings why would she even PONDER hooking up. Then she asked why it was such a big deal to me to hook up. "I DON"T OWN HER" I know that I told her then I would know I mattered and that she cared enough about me to actually give it a shot. and then maybe I would get to be one of her stories that she shares so much. I'm not really sad about this I just feel numb. I feel like I don't matter or even really exist. I hate being unattractive and a loser and sometimes I wish I just wouldn't wake up. Like anyone would notice I'm gone.

After my lease is up I'm giving thought to moving away from casper, from wyoming. To some place where I know I'm insignificant and thats ok.