Reeling, and left analyzing

I've been through alot this weekend, and it was all of my design unfortunately. I did something I wanted, something I thought I would regret, and then something I would. I won't give details but will leave an apology. Today I learned something. Atleast I think I did. I'm sorry that I overreacted. I thought I did something very terrible, and ended doing something worse. You told me its what we do do and thats okay, its fine. and I blew up. I almost would rather of heard, its okay I was there too. Thats what I really wanted to know if things were truly mutual or what. But I blew up thinking poorly of myself. I don't want you to think we're all like that I want to show you I'm better. This week I have swore myself to restraint. I will learn it and become it. I have asked you to police me, and I still want that but I will learn to make your beat an easy one.

I should have come home with you. You took all of your things, which is a first and honestly has me worried about the state of things. I love you. I really really do even though I gave a great case as to it maybe being false. Truths fall out of my mouth around you but I love you and I want you to love me again. and I will do whatever that takes. I swear that now I will put a smile on your face when I see it again which I hope is soon.

Chris

Charlie Calls

After spending the afternoon with many attempts by my friends to get me out of the house. I start kind of talking to her online. A very little bit was serious of the conversation. I want to talk about many serious matters with her but I'm certain thats out of line. She told me stop worrying about overstepping my boundries and that sort of bs. Its tough being in love with someone and being shackled by the title of friend. Charlie calls, "Hey man I hear Elisha is fucking nuts about you," "Sorry CHuck I don't think so," "Well have you fucked her yet?" "No Charlie I haven't" "You should just take down her pants, thats what I would do, but I'm an asshole. You actually care though and want a relationship," "Thats right chuck. WHo told you she was nuts about me" "listen man I keep my ear to the ground. People tell me things," "Who?" "Maybe it was rusty" "How the fuck would rusty even know" "It doesn't matter if it was rusty, I'm just trying to keep an eye for ya man, anyways we're drinking and we want you to come over," "Sorry CHuck I'm sick." I briefly mention to elisha that chuck said things but I couldn't tell her, I was embarassed by this conversation. She got mad that I didn't tell her. I don't want her to thing this is all I care about when it comes to her. I love that girl I'm not ashamed of that. I'm fairly certain she cares about me, maybe not to the extent I care for her but still. I invited her over this weekend. I really hate waiting that long to see her. Anyways,

Chris Out

pseu·do - adj. - False or counterfeit; fake.

Twice now in two days someone has brought up elisha to me wanting to know the nature of our relationship. I have twice refered to her as my pseudogirlfriend. No shes not my girlfriend, yes I do really like her, I wish she was my girlfriend, right now I have no intention to get a girlfriend if her name isn't Elisha. The conversation I get stuck in. Either way its a beautiful day in Casper. My cough has picked a bit back up from yesterday but My health seems to be improving. More updates to come.


Chris

This time he calls

Today has been a very productive day. Got a dryer, did some house work, moved more things, Spent several very good hours with Elisha. I love that girl. I hate to admit it like this but I do. I think she said she loved me, I could hear much of anything because I was barely this side of conscious. She is worried that she'll ruin me. Shes made me too strong for that. She may hurt me, I may get burned or scorned, but I will live and most definately, not be ruined. There are times I wanted to kiss her today, I didn't do it though, not because I'm afraid anymore, because I am in fact sick. Anyways she goes home, The roommates are outside and the neighbhor comes out wondering if we want burgers, we talked many hours with the neighbhors, they are awesome. I'm getting ready for bed, brian calls to see if I want to join the fun. Half an hour later he calls again, he wants elisha's number, I give it to him only because I have this in my head that elisha loves me. I don't want him hurt no, I don't know why I gave it to him. Anyways I have a theory about brian, he only seems to want her when he is drunk, bah to that, but I don't think he loves her, not like me, it seems he likes her because she is there, she is convenient. I don't want to lose any friends here but I don't want to give up elisha. Ahh who knows, I just hope I'm healthy by saturday.


Lisha, I'm glad you felt safe enough to really talk to me. I'll see ya when I see ya.

Love,

Chris

P.S. You forgot your cocoa butter again

I'm hit with a down pour of reason

I'm washed over with a different sense of feeling. Rage subsided a little. I read her words and I'm snapped back into focus. I say I'll be there. Peter is mad at brian, not because of me and my bs fixation on elisha, because they kissed and brian came in talking about how weird it was and unexpected. BS peter says its what he wanted and why else would he walk her to her car. I knew they kissed. Spiderman tingles when he senses danger, My heart breaks when she, whoever she is loves someone else but here I am ready for the coals, again. Someone answer me this though, Why do women like a total stranger more than a friend romantically, in my mind friendship is a natural path to a good relationship. If you can't be friends what make you think its going to work? Friendship is not a divergent road, its a step in getting to know each other, knowing the other's quirks and accepting them, not trying to fix them but help them. I don't get it. Anyways Back to the fires.


Chris OUT

More

She called me wanted brian's number....I hate myself. I'm so tired of being me. I just don't want to love anymore love means pain. My head rattles when I cough. It feels like my eyes have sunken in. Rusty calls. He wants answers and he wants me to know that We're still friends and I should avoid her he just thought I might like her. I told him I do like her, I wanted cry as I spoke the truth. She doesn't like me she likes brian. I bought cereal. My leg started to hurt, I wish it would break, redefine my pain give it real meaning. After she gets her things I don't know if I want to see her for awhile, I'm not sure if I want to see anything for awhile. Why do I do this to myself. I want out so bad.

My Depression has set in

And I promised I wouldn't blog but I'm going to, but please take the following with a grain of salt.


I'm tired of the hurt and the pain. Tired of this cough, and tired of the pain in my chest when I do cough. I tell no one about it, its like the time my pancreas failed and I nearly died. I wish I would die. The day I die nothing will change no tears will shed, I'm nothing. I mean not worth the air I breathe. Why do I even try to mean something, I push to become more than this mediocrity that I am, but I fail and fall short and just get hurt.

Why do I want to be happy. I don't want it to come from a pill or some god to tell me I'm ok. I don't want some miracle drug or happening. Elisha used to make me happy. No I feel worse when I see her. She typed about the lovers yesterday and her horoscope, at first I wanted to believe it was me that it spoke of, but I know its not. Its probably dustin or brian or someone much more important than me. I drove to douglas to see her yesterday, I had so much fun and it kills me. I hate saying goodbye because I used to hug her and kiss her forehead and life was okay. But I screwd that up so now I run. OKay goodbye, out the door I go. Why do I give her or heather so much stock in my life. It results in my pain only increasing. Maybe its because I hold hope for them to bring me some happiness. She said she was gonna keep me around. *SCREAM*

I can't wait for this nightmare to end soon. It will. I will be able to deal soon, but self imposed exile seems like a good idea. Why did I kiss her and why did it have to feel so right.

Drunk Blog Mornings

Yeah I'm not really drunk, but for the record San Juan cereza sucks. Skunky sucky beer. Hung out with chuck, he tried telling me all night to just give it the fucking college try with elisha, I want to. I really do, but I'm afraid that I'm never going to see her again. Hate the things I hear, hate them all. Also I told her to read this blog and then tell me to shut the fuck up I hope she does, then this will be over otherwise be prepared lisha, you don't know what you're allowing to stir. Scary scary things....

Chris Out.

Wait no I'm kinda pissed about this, she talks about this guy online who tells her things that he doesn't normally share and that makes her special. It makes me mad because She knows things about me that I tell no one. She means so much to me and that doesn't mean squat FUCK THAT. ok feeling a bit better.

Chris Out now

Coward!

So did I confront ask whats up?? NO. fuck I just sit there jealous of ever guy who talks to her or had been with her, FUCK YOU RUSTY. Did I restate my current crush on her, I wish she would just say something and kill it or encourage it. yeah....GAh thanks for the encouragement alice. I wish I had a chance to talk you up I'm incosistant like that.

I'm never gonna have a decent relationship since I'm a coward.

Chris

Don't worry its gonna get better, right??

A Plot Has Been Brewing

After my rant and reading through the previous, I have a thought stirring in my feeble thought. This thursday I'm going to do something different. I'm going to ask lisha what shes actually thinks of me GASP! I may be giving her heads up here but I don't care. I have made myself fairly clear to her, atleast I think so and I'm tired of subtle or hearing what others think. I want the word to come from the horses mouth. I don't know if she doesn't like me or thinks I'm just a friend but I want to know and I'm gonna fire point blank once I have her alone BWAHAHAHAHA ah ha ha ha? We'll see if that happens. Probably not will see.

Anyhoot Chris Out.

We Know Drama

Haven't you heard? Long blog titles are out this year.

I have many thoughts in my head, I hope that this may be somewhat coherant.

This weekend Elisha and I headed up to denver to see Bright Eyes with the Faint. We had to pay a scalper $200 for two tickets, and it was well worth it. I enjoyed the show very much, but I'm not sure if it was because of the bands. Elaborated later! We were staying at brandon's house in Laramie thanks more so to Brian, who I never really knew but now I feel that he is a very good friend and I hope to hang out more with him. Elaborated Later!

Anyway we decided to get our party on when we got back to laramie and it turned out to be matt's 21st so Happy b-day to him. Since we didn't get back until like 2 am we called brian who got my beer and her booze. We got drunk and Matt kept telling everyone how he loves me. Had no idea but Matt you're a cool dude. Anyways night start wearing down so I thought bed time was in order. I got bummed out that lisha was not coming up and she ended up making out with a certain person that I'll leave on her mind BWAHAHAHAH, elaborated later!

The next day we went to lunch with brian and he talked us into staying another night. It turned out it was this kid Dixon's 21st so we went over there for a couple hours and played some drinking games. Fun was had for all.at midnight we were supposed to head to this bar downtown, but I ripped a whole in my pants so I had to get a change of pants. When we headed down to the bar there was a line outside! So, we made the decision to say F Dixon's party we're going to a different bar. We ended up at this place called Mingles, just Brian, Libby, Lisha, and myself. Mingles is more really clean pool hall more than a bar but it was rad. While drunk I decided to tell lisha that I'm really starting to crush on her so heads up. Well It really was more of me trying to say Don't make out with anyone tonight please unless its me. But I didn't want to say that. Either way she said she would tell me if I push anything too far. Well midway into the first game the girls go do something no idea what. Brian turns and says he thinks lisha thinks I'm fly. seriously.

Elaboration time:

I explain to him that I don't think so. The night before she briefly made out with someone else. We're just friends who cuddle sometimes. He said hes been through that before and said its cool, but told me not to just think of her strictly as a friend because it was stupid to limit myself there. I explained that yeah I know how it that is but I know she doesn't want a relationship right now, we talk about this alot me and her. and then they came back and pool resumed. There will be more elaborating later. We men won two games and ladies won two. After the bar closed we headed home for more drinking. After many hours she passed out and I actually carried her upstairs to the bedroom, nice gesture not so much fun in practice. 40 minutes later shes is awake and back downstairs...BUTT! Anyway at this point its just me, her, and mister last night casanova! I refused to leave them alone. Thats just what I do. He started talking about his experience with absynce. After the story she looked at me and said she wants to maybe try it sometime this summer. My broke subtle meter in my head wanted to believe there was some under lying meaning there, but its broken and makes things up all the time. Finally we go to be, next day, today we get up eat lunner and drive home. Exciting right?? Well just wait for the next gripping very personal getting my ass kicked paragraph.

Lisha, I really want to be honest to you but I can't do it face to face sober. I'm not just recently crushing on you, this has really happened when we first really talked. I'm far to shy to say it. I miss really cuddling with you. Sleeping with you(just sleeping folks) I love when you snore and roll over and lay tightly against me. Today when you had you're hair pulled back, I thought you never ever looked more beautiful. I don't cut my hair because you said not to, I haven't shaved off this stupid mustache because you said not to.I wanted to invite you in my home when we got back to casper but I knew that you needed to get home to douglas. Worse this morning I wanted to wake you with a kiss, but thats a death wish I'm sure. When I say I love someone I mean that they mean more to me than my life itself. I doubt you think of me like this, and I know you don't want a relationship and I'm resigned to that. This rant and these feeling will fade over the course of our friendship but I had to let them out for now. Even if you were interested I wouldn't push, I need to be pulled. Thats how I am. I want to let all the ladies hear this now, If you like me, love me, whatever, you need to tell me I don't do subtle. Hopefully lisha will read this be understanding and just slap me and say snap out of it. Right now I can't go without her because she is fixing me in ways she'll never know. With her by my side I'm unstoppable, and I am strong. YIKES I'm going to far now. Anyway lisha you're my friend and I know that. I'm also sure that you need a break from me after the long weekend but I'll see you when I see you.

Chris