Spring Melodrama, the makeover of tomorrow today underwater

Well I gave the place that casper spring look. You know, still wintery just brighter. No idea what I'm going to do for summer.

Anyways, still haven't moved the heavy stuff into the new place. I talked to my mom she thinks its a good idea to fix the couch and entertainment center anyways.

Talked to lisha on IM everything seems smoothed over. I should delete that post down there but I'll keep it for history's sake. Yeah thats all I got today.

Chris Out

Blog Wars: a retort OR An apology

I'm sorry that I reacted badly or tried to call bullshit. I had at this point thought you didn't read this blog anymore. I had planned this reaction for 10 to 15 minutes now and my words already escape me. I try to be calculated with my words but my hands beat me to the punch. I wish you could hear what I hear and comprehend as I do. To hear the voice in my head tell me that I'm ugly, unentertaining. not worthwhile, a waste, to cut my wrist. End it today be forgotten tomorrow. I have come to pick my fights with this voice. I know what is fact and what is real but some of what that voice speaks goes unchallenged. It builds and it festers. My favorite place in the world is a quiet black unlit room. Not because I'm dark or whatever, but because there I can confront that voice head on. Me and the insecurities, and there I am the winner but when that light comes on, when I see the world around me. I become scared. I can no longer deal with that voice, I'm busy trying to understand the things around me.

I put so much pressure on you because you have no idea what you mean to me. You give me a glimmer of reason in our mixed mess of life. I try to ruin it because it scares me. I haven't felt like that in so long. I'm sorry if I bother or upset you. I can't compete with boy toys like rusty or I can't help but get jealous when you're with Joe. Its not my place to be jealous but I am nothing compared to them and feel like a pity case. Most importantly I want you to be happy and when I read that things went sour I get mad because I couldn't have been there to try my hand at bringing you a smile.

-Just an Insecure nerd afraid of being the real emo monster.

Friendship consulation prize OR all my drunk friends want me to move with them.

I'm not cool. I'm okay with that. I'm also okay with the fact that I am boring. I have a hard time calling people, because of these facts and my insecurities. I doubt feel worthy of your time. Its not my place to waste your perfectly good evening. When you call me I know its because options a through x were busy or unavailable. I'm like the game show consulation prize, Sorry you didn't win the car or get to hang out with joe, thomas, or james but HERES CHRIS. *applause lamp lights*

Side rant: Don't tell me you didn't call cause you didn't want to call anyone, especially when I know you called someone else that evening. I have less qualms with just hey I didn't want to call you.

Why is it when I drink with someone they always want me to move with them. Is it so I can be their crutch until they make cooler more exciting friends in the new city. Peter wants me to move to Omaha and Sam wants me to move to Missoula or Mizzoula or however shitty montanaville is spelled. The only place I'm kind of considering is Omaha just because of the fact that not only peter is there but so is alice. Shes my safety net. Whenever the shit hits the fan shes who I turn to and I wish I was here more whenever she needed me.

Other news I have started constructed the new fantasy land.

Updates forth coming.

Deep thoughts...

last night was the first time in a long time that I spoke to anyone about heather in depth. She will always be a piece of me and thats cool. Moving on doesn't mean forgetting, its about learning growing and etc. I have this problem still though. Hahaha umm I wish I could see that somehow that she still once in a great moon thought about me. You know, that way I feel like I meant, mean something. But why should it matter, I know I mean something when I think about it, Alice still let me blabber on and on and I mean I haven't even actually seen alice with my own eyes for YEARS. Dear god I really do need to visit her. Peter wants to go up to Omaha at some point since he will be attending school up there next semester but I would much rather visit alice on my own accord. I have so many different aspects to my life and I have a really hard time making sense of them all. I have Alice and she is an aspect of my life un to herself. I have lisha, heather, and the others that are yet another aspect. The guys etc.... I really am too childish to try and letting all these aspect work and exist together. I will eventually grow up and maybe work that out but for right now I have some comic books to read.

I am a jerk and a gluton for punishments

Well should I explain my pension for punishing myself or why I'm a jerk. Fine Glutony first.

Ok well I discovered that Heather (BUM BUM BAH!@!@!)is living in Denver. and her room mate has a blog that cover them both time to time. Yep why do I remind myself of something I should have been over years ago but haunts me yet today. Bah Chris Winckler Bah!!!!


Yesterday My phone had been dead since 2 am the morning before. well I finally get it plugged in at 5 pm to discover a voicemail. It was lisha crying because her car broke down on the interstate and no one was answering their phone. I wasn't there which makes me feel like a jerk to start with. I left a message on her phone basically saying that I hope she is okay. The worst part is I saw her the night before at the metro. We really didn't talk while I was there. I kind of just brushed her off, and she never came to speak to me. She was there with some guy just talking or whatever. Prolly just a friend, I say that because I assume it was somebody other than me trying to get into her pants which makes me jealous beyond belief. So I tell myself That it was a friend. Then the Metro closes and I go lay back in my car waiting for Peter, muttering the words of the song playing. She comes over to my car to see if I'm alright.I probably looked like I was crayz to the average passer-by. Its funny because before her checking on me I was planning this whole blog article on how she is not worth my time and I don't know why I had so much stock in her and yadda yadda yadda. I feel bad for it. Its just I know for a fact she has been in town quite a few times and hasn't even said hello once to me. She said she would fix me and you have no idea what that meant to me. With her around that weekend, I wasn't broken then. It was alot like when I was with heather, life made so much sense. And to get a hint of that again was incredible but I just kept building in my head, She was going to fix me. Yep I'm a scary scary nutbar. And when I knew she had been in town and not even just a hint of a hello or hi on the phone I was so mad. And then I turn around and not help her when any decent friend would have done. I'm such a jerk....


Chris out for now.