I've decided a few things recently. I want to do right by elisha, and I want her to decide what that means. Hell she hasn't been to my house in over 3 almost 4 weeks. I want to invite her over but that would seem wrong. But to this end I have decided in the next month I will be getting a job, and once I have some spare cash I will be seeing a doctor and being put back on anti-depressants. This will be the first time since elementary school that I will seriously attempt to use these drugs. I have been perscribed them many times in my life span but never really taken them. I'm no good to anyone in my current state, including myself. I'm not suicidal by any means but this just means that I'm finding new and exciting ways to fuck up my life. I just want to be right. I'm so tired of being this way. This change won't happen because of a pill though, but because I love elisha and I don't know how she feels about me but I'm doing this for her. I want to be fixed and somewhat closer to normal for her. I'm tired of sleeping in the corner of the closet because its the darkest corner in my room and I'm embarassed to be seen by anyone. I can't behave like this.
I don't how long it'll be before this plan goes into action. I just want something else
Friday, June 24, 2005
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
What's this...New way you speak of?
Well I've decided to make some changes in my life. The other night Elisha came into come and we hung out. My depression kicked in while we were hanging out and we spent some time talking. We discovers that in philosophy we are exact opposites. She later said that it would probably be best for us to just be friends because of this. I looked at her and said no. I'll except the lets be friends for many things but because we view things differently? No way. I see that as a plus to a relationship. If I was completely like minded with someone I cared for it wouldn't work. She said if we dated she would probably become like heather. Be critical or judgmental or whatever. I told her she could never be like heather. She responded with of course I'd never cheat on you. What she doesn't understand is well I would have married heather if she didn't cheat on me. But she's not getting out yet not that way. She brought up the warped tour and how she wants to go after aquabats. Now on her blog she asking someone to go with her or take her. I would go if she honestly just asked, Chris will you go to the warped tour with me. I'll do it.
Another random tidbit I was bored today so I shaved.
Give me a couple hours to regret it
Another random tidbit I was bored today so I shaved.
Give me a couple hours to regret it
Friday, June 17, 2005
lost and found
I have no idea why but I'm really really angry. I'm not sure if its with me or what but I know this, I HATE RUSTY FUCKING REYNOLDS.I'm fucking crazy about elisha. I drove 180 miles today just to spend time with her. Not as some big favor to her or anything but because I'm selfish. I'm just like rusty, the only difference is his good physique. He just threw her away, she won't even have me. It bothers her to she him. After all is said and through with me and elisha, she won't even remember me if she ever bumps into me. I hate being this way.
I realized a couple of days ago that I was over heather and it was so fucking odd and now I have what? A relation that I can't remember and one that doesn't really exist outside my fucking fantasy world. And I'm sick again, the good old jabbing pain is there in my side again, its a constant reminder of how weak I am. I like to pretend that I'm dying. The idea that all this pain is soon over brings me such joy.
I realized a couple of days ago that I was over heather and it was so fucking odd and now I have what? A relation that I can't remember and one that doesn't really exist outside my fucking fantasy world. And I'm sick again, the good old jabbing pain is there in my side again, its a constant reminder of how weak I am. I like to pretend that I'm dying. The idea that all this pain is soon over brings me such joy.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Dreams
Dreams are a very odd thing. I had several last night that were very odd. In The first I was in some sort of paintball bootcamp or something of that sort. It was fairly boring until in dream my phone rung. It played I predict a riot by the kaiser cheifs which means that it was lisha calling. I remember answering the phone but no conversation. The paint ball drill sargent was pissed at me.
In the second I don't seem to remember the activities but the phone rang again. Same ring tone everything. But this time I didn't answer in time and I couldn't get a hold of lisha. Not by phone, im, even went to douglas and could not find her. It was like she called to say goodbye and I could not find her.
Finally in the third, I was in Douglas helping peter at the Douglas Budget, the local newspaper. I was writing an article but the text on the note pad was a series of crude drawings and scribbles, no one could understand them but I could read it. For some reason we both at a second job in douglas at the Golden Tower records. Golden Tower Records doesn't really exist. Anyway so two guys come in and hold the place up. I'm towards the back following their directions, I'm wearing a black hoodie. The come over to me to search my person, and peter took it as me wasting time so he can sneak up on them. After a struggle we restrain the would be asailants. We clasp their hands with zip-ties. I yell at peter for an extended amount of time because he could have had me killed. At this point its now lunch. I try to walk to the Business center to tell Lisha of my experience, but shes at lunch also, and she won't answer her phone. This is where things get really fucking weird. I go down to little china town. THERE IS NOT A DOUGLAS BIG ENOUGH FOR A LITTLE CHINA TOWN. It was very lush in china town. I spot her car at this japanese restuarant. I see her family but not her. I go to the next booth where in what little japanese plus some english dialog that could only be represented like I ask the man what is good on the menu. He explains the maki ball soup, which is made of people btw. I finally walk back by the booth where lisha's family was but she is with them now. I sit down and try to tell her what had happened earlier, she and her family looked angry at my presence. She wouldn't listen or believe what I was telling her.
These three dreams all represent three fears I hold. Lisha, being the current object of my affection represents a loved one. Fear number one, That someone I love is going to get me in some sort of trouble. Fear two, that someone I may love will be gone forever and I may never get to say goodbye. Fear three, that someone I love would look at me with angry and would be unbelieving of me. Even in dire situations.
In the second I don't seem to remember the activities but the phone rang again. Same ring tone everything. But this time I didn't answer in time and I couldn't get a hold of lisha. Not by phone, im, even went to douglas and could not find her. It was like she called to say goodbye and I could not find her.
Finally in the third, I was in Douglas helping peter at the Douglas Budget, the local newspaper. I was writing an article but the text on the note pad was a series of crude drawings and scribbles, no one could understand them but I could read it. For some reason we both at a second job in douglas at the Golden Tower records. Golden Tower Records doesn't really exist. Anyway so two guys come in and hold the place up. I'm towards the back following their directions, I'm wearing a black hoodie. The come over to me to search my person, and peter took it as me wasting time so he can sneak up on them. After a struggle we restrain the would be asailants. We clasp their hands with zip-ties. I yell at peter for an extended amount of time because he could have had me killed. At this point its now lunch. I try to walk to the Business center to tell Lisha of my experience, but shes at lunch also, and she won't answer her phone. This is where things get really fucking weird. I go down to little china town. THERE IS NOT A DOUGLAS BIG ENOUGH FOR A LITTLE CHINA TOWN. It was very lush in china town. I spot her car at this japanese restuarant. I see her family but not her. I go to the next booth where in what little japanese plus some english dialog that could only be represented like
These three dreams all represent three fears I hold. Lisha, being the current object of my affection represents a loved one. Fear number one, That someone I love is going to get me in some sort of trouble. Fear two, that someone I may love will be gone forever and I may never get to say goodbye. Fear three, that someone I love would look at me with angry and would be unbelieving of me. Even in dire situations.
Emo Boy
I spent several minutes in the bath tub today watching the way the water ripples and how those ripples intersect and destroy one another.
Sam and I drove up to Douglas this weekend, he to see Peter, and I really went to see lisha. We arriving and go to peter's apartment. I give lisha a call and she is jamming out with her sister. She gives me a call when its done. The four of us, Sam, Peter, Lisha and I play a rousing game of bocce in the park. It was way more fun than I'll ever admit to.
After this we head up to esterbrook, there we go to a very expensive steakhouse it wasn't bad, it just left me embarassed. I didn't have enough money for that place. Lisha bought my dinner, to pay me back for the aquabat ticket. The thing is I wanted that ticket to be a gift and well I screwd that up now didn't I. She reveals to me that her sister's friend Josh is up in doulas to. You see lisha's mom has been trying to set lisha up with Josh for a long time now and lisha telling me how much fun her sister, josh and her have been having, I become jealous. Its what I do. I'm competitive even though I'm not really a runner in the race. After dinner we go into the bar to get directions, Some guy in there knows lisha, asks who peter and I are, asks her if I'm her boyfriend she responds no. Cause well I'm not her boyfriend and I realize HOW MUCH THAT PISSES ME OFF ARGH! but I digress. We go back to peters, I nap in the back seat on the trip back. We get there and lisha is headed home for a bit and will be back later. I ended up just lying on the floor in peters apartment behind the couch. Peter and Sam thought I was sleeping. In truth for some reason I was crying. I get a call a couple hours later, its lisha saying shes not coming over. Yeah it just made me feel worse.
Next day I get up at seven am I really wished I could call lisha as I really just wanted to spend some one on one time with her. I wake sam up and hour and a half later we watch a couple movies, peter gets up. We decided to go to the VI and get breakfat, then sam and I would head out. I call lisha she says she gonna stop by the VI. After a long and painful experience at the VI, we finish our meals and she never showed. I get in the car and call her saying that we were done there, and I asked if it was ok for sam and I to swing out to her house to say goodbye. She said she didn't care. So we drop peter off and go over there.
When we arrive we were told shes up stairs. She was watching tv on the couch next to josh, RAGE!!! I don't think they were close or anything or it was even my god damned business but whatever. any way we talk a bit, I say we have to go. She walks us downstairs, she gives me a hug and I lift her up. She says to call when we get back to casper so shes knows I didn't die.
Heres the thing, that hug was the frst physical contact we had outside of a high five or fist slam or whatever. I really really needed it all weekend long. I get depressed when I'm in the same town as her but I don't really egt to hang out with her. Plus when we hang out in casper, all weekend its cuddling and hugging, but not in Douglas. I have a really hard time with that. I love her but I don't think she believes me or even cares to consider it anymore. But I'm a moth to the flame so I'm ready to go again this wednesday for batman, and she promised shes coming up.
Emo Boy Chris OUT
Sam and I drove up to Douglas this weekend, he to see Peter, and I really went to see lisha. We arriving and go to peter's apartment. I give lisha a call and she is jamming out with her sister. She gives me a call when its done. The four of us, Sam, Peter, Lisha and I play a rousing game of bocce in the park. It was way more fun than I'll ever admit to.
After this we head up to esterbrook, there we go to a very expensive steakhouse it wasn't bad, it just left me embarassed. I didn't have enough money for that place. Lisha bought my dinner, to pay me back for the aquabat ticket. The thing is I wanted that ticket to be a gift and well I screwd that up now didn't I. She reveals to me that her sister's friend Josh is up in doulas to. You see lisha's mom has been trying to set lisha up with Josh for a long time now and lisha telling me how much fun her sister, josh and her have been having, I become jealous. Its what I do. I'm competitive even though I'm not really a runner in the race. After dinner we go into the bar to get directions, Some guy in there knows lisha, asks who peter and I are, asks her if I'm her boyfriend she responds no. Cause well I'm not her boyfriend and I realize HOW MUCH THAT PISSES ME OFF ARGH! but I digress. We go back to peters, I nap in the back seat on the trip back. We get there and lisha is headed home for a bit and will be back later. I ended up just lying on the floor in peters apartment behind the couch. Peter and Sam thought I was sleeping. In truth for some reason I was crying. I get a call a couple hours later, its lisha saying shes not coming over. Yeah it just made me feel worse.
Next day I get up at seven am I really wished I could call lisha as I really just wanted to spend some one on one time with her. I wake sam up and hour and a half later we watch a couple movies, peter gets up. We decided to go to the VI and get breakfat, then sam and I would head out. I call lisha she says she gonna stop by the VI. After a long and painful experience at the VI, we finish our meals and she never showed. I get in the car and call her saying that we were done there, and I asked if it was ok for sam and I to swing out to her house to say goodbye. She said she didn't care. So we drop peter off and go over there.
When we arrive we were told shes up stairs. She was watching tv on the couch next to josh, RAGE!!! I don't think they were close or anything or it was even my god damned business but whatever. any way we talk a bit, I say we have to go. She walks us downstairs, she gives me a hug and I lift her up. She says to call when we get back to casper so shes knows I didn't die.
Heres the thing, that hug was the frst physical contact we had outside of a high five or fist slam or whatever. I really really needed it all weekend long. I get depressed when I'm in the same town as her but I don't really egt to hang out with her. Plus when we hang out in casper, all weekend its cuddling and hugging, but not in Douglas. I have a really hard time with that. I love her but I don't think she believes me or even cares to consider it anymore. But I'm a moth to the flame so I'm ready to go again this wednesday for batman, and she promised shes coming up.
Emo Boy Chris OUT
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Nature of the beast
Its strange as a young man in this world you think I would be happy with my relationship with lisha and to an extent I am but what worries me is the nature of new found title on my collar. Its the nonexclusivity, she can decide one day that she wants to be with bryan or dustin or whoever and I would technically have no say or meaning in the decision. I know Boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't dictate any kind of loyalty that would be really different but atleast you get a verbal confirmation of end of relations. Also I'm not a fan of not being able to tell my friends, guess what! Lisha and I are dating and have a wonderful relationship. Instead I have to lie and keep my sexually frustrated life sucks act up. Which is kind of hard to do when in truth I haven't been this happy in a long time. I talked with charlie about things, now he doesn't know the reaches of my relationship with elisha as I have sworn secrecy, specifically when it comes to charlie, but he gave me a piece of insight that I wish she would have heard. "Chris, Who the fuck cares what we think. If she likes you and wants to be with you why should she care what your god damned friends think. If anything we would be happy for you and her. Shit, we're happy for Jake and we hate his girlfriend." In those words is something I wish she would understand. It doesn't matter what they think, its about what we think.
Anyway that was today's main topic now for some side notes.
-In douglas, she made a quip about being single, I told her shes single by her own choice, but it recently hit me I have never actually asked her out, now if I did would that change things for the better or worse?
-She read her tarot card recently about me, I guess. I have no idea what they said, but what I understand is the cards are swayed by thought and emotion. I wonder if they predicted doomsday for her, but What would they read for me? HMMMM
-Lastly, a point that bothers me, She used to say I love you and we exchanged these wonderful words quite a bit. Lately my love yous have recieved shut ups. I wonder if its because of the new nature of our relationship or something else?
All these mysteries and more followed up next time in adventures in Melodrama!
Anyway that was today's main topic now for some side notes.
-In douglas, she made a quip about being single, I told her shes single by her own choice, but it recently hit me I have never actually asked her out, now if I did would that change things for the better or worse?
-She read her tarot card recently about me, I guess. I have no idea what they said, but what I understand is the cards are swayed by thought and emotion. I wonder if they predicted doomsday for her, but What would they read for me? HMMMM
-Lastly, a point that bothers me, She used to say I love you and we exchanged these wonderful words quite a bit. Lately my love yous have recieved shut ups. I wonder if its because of the new nature of our relationship or something else?
All these mysteries and more followed up next time in adventures in Melodrama!
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Strange behaviors
Straight edge week is a complete and total failure. Which leaves me a bit worried about my lack of self control. I'll be honest, my hope was to curb my sex drive. No good. Today I woke up at 7 am, against the wall on the right side of my bed. I find I sleep over here more and more, Heather always had the left side, when lisha sleeps over she has the left side. It leaves me comforted to be on the right side of the bed, I like it there. I'm content with a 13 or less of the bed, Its quite strange. I've been dealing with the fact that my bed smells of lisha, and it drives me up the wall, it has me intoxicated. I'm bothered further that I can't really see her all the time. I feel like a creep when I go to douglas and I feel selfish when she stays here. I'm going insane. I'm thinking of getting some febreeze that might help but at the same time I love waking up to that scent. I realize that she did forget somethings at my house this morning. Those items include bleach, borax, and a hair scrunchy. I love having something here of hers as its an excuse to get her over, but I'm afraid if things go sour, what will happen when I find the random hair tie, I know I didn't care for finding heather's stuff years later but I need to buckle down and deal.
What I feel most regretful about with lisha is that I promised I'd grow up fall out of love and be a good friend, but I can't stop yearning for her company and to have her in my embrace. She would say I'm lame right now and a geek. Then remind me thats not a bad thing. Whats wrong with me???
What I feel most regretful about with lisha is that I promised I'd grow up fall out of love and be a good friend, but I can't stop yearning for her company and to have her in my embrace. She would say I'm lame right now and a geek. Then remind me thats not a bad thing. Whats wrong with me???
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