Accident Update

I thought I'd give everyone an update on my progress post accident. Turns out I'm a little more messed up physically than originally thought. It seems my body has shift to the left. My pelvis is nearly an inch higher on the left than the right. This is resulting in my back muscles being continually tight and the occasional spasm. I am currently attending physical therapy to help loosen my back and maybe straighten me out.

also to let everyone know I'm moving all my blogs to a personal site in the coming weeks at joeyselfimage.com

The more things change

I'm sitting here watching snatch on my couch right now. Its the opening sequence where they steal the gem. I hated and still hate this scene, I felt that the camera work and editing was just too far over the top. Heather never agreed with me. You see the only other time I saw this film was with her. Now those of you who are wondering why the hell I am bringing her up its quite simple. It seems that she wants to speak with me or go to lunch or something. WHY? you may be asking and her sister answered this for me. She wants to apologize for what happened between us. Which is funny because when I agreed to actually speak to her my plan was to apologize to her. Its funny the apology party that would have happened. I still hope to talk to her, straighten things out. Maybe just maybe I'll work on being a decent human being again.

Car accident

I just wanted everyone to know I was in a car accident, I suffered very minimal injuries. I only really hyper extended my right thumb. To my knowledge I was the only one to suffer any injuries. My car is totaled. I did not cause the accident. I will give a more in depth explanation once I am allowed to use my right thumb again.

Counter Point

Congrats Chris YOU FUCKED UP YOUR LIFE AGAIN. You melodramatic asshole. She fought for you, like you have been telling youself for days now, yeah I'll be her friend if she fights for me. WELL SHE FOUGHT AND YOU THREW HER OUT. She'll never talk to you again. You could still of had a very rewarding relationship with her, she still could have made you happy but you fucked it, congrats buddy!

I love you

That is why I have done what I have. I regret that I had to do things this way but you're too important to me to see you waste your time. I should have known it would have come to this a long long time ago. I feel so stupid for my actions right now but in the end its the right thing. ITS THE ONLY GIFT I CAN GIVE YOU.

A belief

I wanna believe that lisha will fight for my friendship but that belief is only going to be betrayed until its in her best interest for me to be her friend. We'll see though.

Someone tell me what to do

Cause I don't have the slightest on what to do with Lisha. She is only going to bring me more pain. The other night I texted her for my poor behavior the last time I saw her, she called me to tell me to knock it off and some FUCKING GUY STARTS HITTING ON HER. She wanted him to talk to me and stuff on the phone I wasn't impressed. Anyways tonight she calls me to apologize for what happened that night. I was still pretty fucking angry about it. I don't know who she thinks I am or what I am, but I'm not any good at this. I was fucking crazy about this girl and she won't even give me a chance, she says that she doesn't think of me that way but I was convinced that was because she decided not to give me a chance. So I don't know if I should give her a chance. I wanted her to be my girl, she wants me to be her friend. I don't know if I can stomach her that way. She with the people she always rambled on about to me again, so why does she even need me shes back to her little world, I can get back to my state of nothing,

The things I wish I could say

When I said goodbye to elisha yesterday, I wanted to say so much more than I did. I actually thought out my words most of the trip to drop her off. My eyes welled with tears as I sat and heard her giggle on the phone with Doug trying to think of what I wanted to say. I wanted to say, "I'm going to miss you. I know you think I'm punishing you with my absence, but in truth if I was still around you every weekend, I'd only be punishing myself. I've gone to the coals for you quite a bit when it seemed I was your only friend, but I'm not your only friend I see that now. You have doug for support and whatever, Scenester Joe and whoever else. The truth is With or without me, you are going to be happy." I wanted to hug her, kiss her forehead one last time. I will talk to her once maybe twice more, but outside of that I don't know. She won't really miss me for long. Its not one of those, I suck blah blah blah things. Its just what I have learned from past experience.

I miss you lisha, and I will not forget you any time soon.

This is my blog and I'll cry if I want to

SO take that PEANUT GALLERY. The one good thing about all this is I get to resume my search for my dreamgirl. So ladies if you are under 5'6", have short sexy hair, wear glasses, small to medium breasted, thin to a few extra lbs, Love video games, comics, movies, and anime, and are under the impression that growing up is for the weak and love satirical humor. I'm your man!!!!

What sucks elisha almost perfectly fit this discription. Eh she doesn't love me SO NEXT.

Sometimes I just want to scream

Lisha laid it down last weekend, told me its just friends or nothing. So I've been trying to ignore her existance so far this week. But I get my little notice of blog updates from my rss feeds and I see her blog, and still don't see my name. I JUST WANT TO KNOW I MATTERED. Its okay I know now that I don't. She said if we hooked up that I would eventually lose her altogether but I'm more than likely going to anyway and thats the worst part. She told me that she has no feelings for me and then explained that if we did hook up that it would end badly. These two things conflict to me. If she had no feelings why would she even PONDER hooking up. Then she asked why it was such a big deal to me to hook up. "I DON"T OWN HER" I know that I told her then I would know I mattered and that she cared enough about me to actually give it a shot. and then maybe I would get to be one of her stories that she shares so much. I'm not really sad about this I just feel numb. I feel like I don't matter or even really exist. I hate being unattractive and a loser and sometimes I wish I just wouldn't wake up. Like anyone would notice I'm gone.

After my lease is up I'm giving thought to moving away from casper, from wyoming. To some place where I know I'm insignificant and thats ok.

Growing up

I've decided a few things recently. I want to do right by elisha, and I want her to decide what that means. Hell she hasn't been to my house in over 3 almost 4 weeks. I want to invite her over but that would seem wrong. But to this end I have decided in the next month I will be getting a job, and once I have some spare cash I will be seeing a doctor and being put back on anti-depressants. This will be the first time since elementary school that I will seriously attempt to use these drugs. I have been perscribed them many times in my life span but never really taken them. I'm no good to anyone in my current state, including myself. I'm not suicidal by any means but this just means that I'm finding new and exciting ways to fuck up my life. I just want to be right. I'm so tired of being this way. This change won't happen because of a pill though, but because I love elisha and I don't know how she feels about me but I'm doing this for her. I want to be fixed and somewhat closer to normal for her. I'm tired of sleeping in the corner of the closet because its the darkest corner in my room and I'm embarassed to be seen by anyone. I can't behave like this.

I don't how long it'll be before this plan goes into action. I just want something else

What's this...New way you speak of?

Well I've decided to make some changes in my life. The other night Elisha came into come and we hung out. My depression kicked in while we were hanging out and we spent some time talking. We discovers that in philosophy we are exact opposites. She later said that it would probably be best for us to just be friends because of this. I looked at her and said no. I'll except the lets be friends for many things but because we view things differently? No way. I see that as a plus to a relationship. If I was completely like minded with someone I cared for it wouldn't work. She said if we dated she would probably become like heather. Be critical or judgmental or whatever. I told her she could never be like heather. She responded with of course I'd never cheat on you. What she doesn't understand is well I would have married heather if she didn't cheat on me. But she's not getting out yet not that way. She brought up the warped tour and how she wants to go after aquabats. Now on her blog she asking someone to go with her or take her. I would go if she honestly just asked, Chris will you go to the warped tour with me. I'll do it.

Another random tidbit I was bored today so I shaved.



Give me a couple hours to regret it

lost and found

I have no idea why but I'm really really angry. I'm not sure if its with me or what but I know this, I HATE RUSTY FUCKING REYNOLDS.I'm fucking crazy about elisha. I drove 180 miles today just to spend time with her. Not as some big favor to her or anything but because I'm selfish. I'm just like rusty, the only difference is his good physique. He just threw her away, she won't even have me. It bothers her to she him. After all is said and through with me and elisha, she won't even remember me if she ever bumps into me. I hate being this way.

I realized a couple of days ago that I was over heather and it was so fucking odd and now I have what? A relation that I can't remember and one that doesn't really exist outside my fucking fantasy world. And I'm sick again, the good old jabbing pain is there in my side again, its a constant reminder of how weak I am. I like to pretend that I'm dying. The idea that all this pain is soon over brings me such joy.

Dreams

Dreams are a very odd thing. I had several last night that were very odd. In The first I was in some sort of paintball bootcamp or something of that sort. It was fairly boring until in dream my phone rung. It played I predict a riot by the kaiser cheifs which means that it was lisha calling. I remember answering the phone but no conversation. The paint ball drill sargent was pissed at me.

In the second I don't seem to remember the activities but the phone rang again. Same ring tone everything. But this time I didn't answer in time and I couldn't get a hold of lisha. Not by phone, im, even went to douglas and could not find her. It was like she called to say goodbye and I could not find her.

Finally in the third, I was in Douglas helping peter at the Douglas Budget, the local newspaper. I was writing an article but the text on the note pad was a series of crude drawings and scribbles, no one could understand them but I could read it. For some reason we both at a second job in douglas at the Golden Tower records. Golden Tower Records doesn't really exist. Anyway so two guys come in and hold the place up. I'm towards the back following their directions, I'm wearing a black hoodie. The come over to me to search my person, and peter took it as me wasting time so he can sneak up on them. After a struggle we restrain the would be asailants. We clasp their hands with zip-ties. I yell at peter for an extended amount of time because he could have had me killed. At this point its now lunch. I try to walk to the Business center to tell Lisha of my experience, but shes at lunch also, and she won't answer her phone. This is where things get really fucking weird. I go down to little china town. THERE IS NOT A DOUGLAS BIG ENOUGH FOR A LITTLE CHINA TOWN. It was very lush in china town. I spot her car at this japanese restuarant. I see her family but not her. I go to the next booth where in what little japanese plus some english dialog that could only be represented like I ask the man what is good on the menu. He explains the maki ball soup, which is made of people btw. I finally walk back by the booth where lisha's family was but she is with them now. I sit down and try to tell her what had happened earlier, she and her family looked angry at my presence. She wouldn't listen or believe what I was telling her.

These three dreams all represent three fears I hold. Lisha, being the current object of my affection represents a loved one. Fear number one, That someone I love is going to get me in some sort of trouble. Fear two, that someone I may love will be gone forever and I may never get to say goodbye. Fear three, that someone I love would look at me with angry and would be unbelieving of me. Even in dire situations.

Emo Boy

I spent several minutes in the bath tub today watching the way the water ripples and how those ripples intersect and destroy one another.

Sam and I drove up to Douglas this weekend, he to see Peter, and I really went to see lisha. We arriving and go to peter's apartment. I give lisha a call and she is jamming out with her sister. She gives me a call when its done. The four of us, Sam, Peter, Lisha and I play a rousing game of bocce in the park. It was way more fun than I'll ever admit to.

After this we head up to esterbrook, there we go to a very expensive steakhouse it wasn't bad, it just left me embarassed. I didn't have enough money for that place. Lisha bought my dinner, to pay me back for the aquabat ticket. The thing is I wanted that ticket to be a gift and well I screwd that up now didn't I. She reveals to me that her sister's friend Josh is up in doulas to. You see lisha's mom has been trying to set lisha up with Josh for a long time now and lisha telling me how much fun her sister, josh and her have been having, I become jealous. Its what I do. I'm competitive even though I'm not really a runner in the race. After dinner we go into the bar to get directions, Some guy in there knows lisha, asks who peter and I are, asks her if I'm her boyfriend she responds no. Cause well I'm not her boyfriend and I realize HOW MUCH THAT PISSES ME OFF ARGH! but I digress. We go back to peters, I nap in the back seat on the trip back. We get there and lisha is headed home for a bit and will be back later. I ended up just lying on the floor in peters apartment behind the couch. Peter and Sam thought I was sleeping. In truth for some reason I was crying. I get a call a couple hours later, its lisha saying shes not coming over. Yeah it just made me feel worse.

Next day I get up at seven am I really wished I could call lisha as I really just wanted to spend some one on one time with her. I wake sam up and hour and a half later we watch a couple movies, peter gets up. We decided to go to the VI and get breakfat, then sam and I would head out. I call lisha she says she gonna stop by the VI. After a long and painful experience at the VI, we finish our meals and she never showed. I get in the car and call her saying that we were done there, and I asked if it was ok for sam and I to swing out to her house to say goodbye. She said she didn't care. So we drop peter off and go over there.

When we arrive we were told shes up stairs. She was watching tv on the couch next to josh, RAGE!!! I don't think they were close or anything or it was even my god damned business but whatever. any way we talk a bit, I say we have to go. She walks us downstairs, she gives me a hug and I lift her up. She says to call when we get back to casper so shes knows I didn't die.

Heres the thing, that hug was the frst physical contact we had outside of a high five or fist slam or whatever. I really really needed it all weekend long. I get depressed when I'm in the same town as her but I don't really egt to hang out with her. Plus when we hang out in casper, all weekend its cuddling and hugging, but not in Douglas. I have a really hard time with that. I love her but I don't think she believes me or even cares to consider it anymore. But I'm a moth to the flame so I'm ready to go again this wednesday for batman, and she promised shes coming up.

Emo Boy Chris OUT

Nature of the beast

Its strange as a young man in this world you think I would be happy with my relationship with lisha and to an extent I am but what worries me is the nature of new found title on my collar. Its the nonexclusivity, she can decide one day that she wants to be with bryan or dustin or whoever and I would technically have no say or meaning in the decision. I know Boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't dictate any kind of loyalty that would be really different but atleast you get a verbal confirmation of end of relations. Also I'm not a fan of not being able to tell my friends, guess what! Lisha and I are dating and have a wonderful relationship. Instead I have to lie and keep my sexually frustrated life sucks act up. Which is kind of hard to do when in truth I haven't been this happy in a long time. I talked with charlie about things, now he doesn't know the reaches of my relationship with elisha as I have sworn secrecy, specifically when it comes to charlie, but he gave me a piece of insight that I wish she would have heard. "Chris, Who the fuck cares what we think. If she likes you and wants to be with you why should she care what your god damned friends think. If anything we would be happy for you and her. Shit, we're happy for Jake and we hate his girlfriend." In those words is something I wish she would understand. It doesn't matter what they think, its about what we think.

Anyway that was today's main topic now for some side notes.

-In douglas, she made a quip about being single, I told her shes single by her own choice, but it recently hit me I have never actually asked her out, now if I did would that change things for the better or worse?

-She read her tarot card recently about me, I guess. I have no idea what they said, but what I understand is the cards are swayed by thought and emotion. I wonder if they predicted doomsday for her, but What would they read for me? HMMMM

-Lastly, a point that bothers me, She used to say I love you and we exchanged these wonderful words quite a bit. Lately my love yous have recieved shut ups. I wonder if its because of the new nature of our relationship or something else?

All these mysteries and more followed up next time in adventures in Melodrama!

Strange behaviors

Straight edge week is a complete and total failure. Which leaves me a bit worried about my lack of self control. I'll be honest, my hope was to curb my sex drive. No good. Today I woke up at 7 am, against the wall on the right side of my bed. I find I sleep over here more and more, Heather always had the left side, when lisha sleeps over she has the left side. It leaves me comforted to be on the right side of the bed, I like it there. I'm content with a 13 or less of the bed, Its quite strange. I've been dealing with the fact that my bed smells of lisha, and it drives me up the wall, it has me intoxicated. I'm bothered further that I can't really see her all the time. I feel like a creep when I go to douglas and I feel selfish when she stays here. I'm going insane. I'm thinking of getting some febreeze that might help but at the same time I love waking up to that scent. I realize that she did forget somethings at my house this morning. Those items include bleach, borax, and a hair scrunchy. I love having something here of hers as its an excuse to get her over, but I'm afraid if things go sour, what will happen when I find the random hair tie, I know I didn't care for finding heather's stuff years later but I need to buckle down and deal.

What I feel most regretful about with lisha is that I promised I'd grow up fall out of love and be a good friend, but I can't stop yearning for her company and to have her in my embrace. She would say I'm lame right now and a geek. Then remind me thats not a bad thing. Whats wrong with me???

Reeling, and left analyzing

I've been through alot this weekend, and it was all of my design unfortunately. I did something I wanted, something I thought I would regret, and then something I would. I won't give details but will leave an apology. Today I learned something. Atleast I think I did. I'm sorry that I overreacted. I thought I did something very terrible, and ended doing something worse. You told me its what we do do and thats okay, its fine. and I blew up. I almost would rather of heard, its okay I was there too. Thats what I really wanted to know if things were truly mutual or what. But I blew up thinking poorly of myself. I don't want you to think we're all like that I want to show you I'm better. This week I have swore myself to restraint. I will learn it and become it. I have asked you to police me, and I still want that but I will learn to make your beat an easy one.

I should have come home with you. You took all of your things, which is a first and honestly has me worried about the state of things. I love you. I really really do even though I gave a great case as to it maybe being false. Truths fall out of my mouth around you but I love you and I want you to love me again. and I will do whatever that takes. I swear that now I will put a smile on your face when I see it again which I hope is soon.

Chris

Charlie Calls

After spending the afternoon with many attempts by my friends to get me out of the house. I start kind of talking to her online. A very little bit was serious of the conversation. I want to talk about many serious matters with her but I'm certain thats out of line. She told me stop worrying about overstepping my boundries and that sort of bs. Its tough being in love with someone and being shackled by the title of friend. Charlie calls, "Hey man I hear Elisha is fucking nuts about you," "Sorry CHuck I don't think so," "Well have you fucked her yet?" "No Charlie I haven't" "You should just take down her pants, thats what I would do, but I'm an asshole. You actually care though and want a relationship," "Thats right chuck. WHo told you she was nuts about me" "listen man I keep my ear to the ground. People tell me things," "Who?" "Maybe it was rusty" "How the fuck would rusty even know" "It doesn't matter if it was rusty, I'm just trying to keep an eye for ya man, anyways we're drinking and we want you to come over," "Sorry CHuck I'm sick." I briefly mention to elisha that chuck said things but I couldn't tell her, I was embarassed by this conversation. She got mad that I didn't tell her. I don't want her to thing this is all I care about when it comes to her. I love that girl I'm not ashamed of that. I'm fairly certain she cares about me, maybe not to the extent I care for her but still. I invited her over this weekend. I really hate waiting that long to see her. Anyways,

Chris Out

pseu·do - adj. - False or counterfeit; fake.

Twice now in two days someone has brought up elisha to me wanting to know the nature of our relationship. I have twice refered to her as my pseudogirlfriend. No shes not my girlfriend, yes I do really like her, I wish she was my girlfriend, right now I have no intention to get a girlfriend if her name isn't Elisha. The conversation I get stuck in. Either way its a beautiful day in Casper. My cough has picked a bit back up from yesterday but My health seems to be improving. More updates to come.


Chris

This time he calls

Today has been a very productive day. Got a dryer, did some house work, moved more things, Spent several very good hours with Elisha. I love that girl. I hate to admit it like this but I do. I think she said she loved me, I could hear much of anything because I was barely this side of conscious. She is worried that she'll ruin me. Shes made me too strong for that. She may hurt me, I may get burned or scorned, but I will live and most definately, not be ruined. There are times I wanted to kiss her today, I didn't do it though, not because I'm afraid anymore, because I am in fact sick. Anyways she goes home, The roommates are outside and the neighbhor comes out wondering if we want burgers, we talked many hours with the neighbhors, they are awesome. I'm getting ready for bed, brian calls to see if I want to join the fun. Half an hour later he calls again, he wants elisha's number, I give it to him only because I have this in my head that elisha loves me. I don't want him hurt no, I don't know why I gave it to him. Anyways I have a theory about brian, he only seems to want her when he is drunk, bah to that, but I don't think he loves her, not like me, it seems he likes her because she is there, she is convenient. I don't want to lose any friends here but I don't want to give up elisha. Ahh who knows, I just hope I'm healthy by saturday.


Lisha, I'm glad you felt safe enough to really talk to me. I'll see ya when I see ya.

Love,

Chris

P.S. You forgot your cocoa butter again

I'm hit with a down pour of reason

I'm washed over with a different sense of feeling. Rage subsided a little. I read her words and I'm snapped back into focus. I say I'll be there. Peter is mad at brian, not because of me and my bs fixation on elisha, because they kissed and brian came in talking about how weird it was and unexpected. BS peter says its what he wanted and why else would he walk her to her car. I knew they kissed. Spiderman tingles when he senses danger, My heart breaks when she, whoever she is loves someone else but here I am ready for the coals, again. Someone answer me this though, Why do women like a total stranger more than a friend romantically, in my mind friendship is a natural path to a good relationship. If you can't be friends what make you think its going to work? Friendship is not a divergent road, its a step in getting to know each other, knowing the other's quirks and accepting them, not trying to fix them but help them. I don't get it. Anyways Back to the fires.


Chris OUT

More

She called me wanted brian's number....I hate myself. I'm so tired of being me. I just don't want to love anymore love means pain. My head rattles when I cough. It feels like my eyes have sunken in. Rusty calls. He wants answers and he wants me to know that We're still friends and I should avoid her he just thought I might like her. I told him I do like her, I wanted cry as I spoke the truth. She doesn't like me she likes brian. I bought cereal. My leg started to hurt, I wish it would break, redefine my pain give it real meaning. After she gets her things I don't know if I want to see her for awhile, I'm not sure if I want to see anything for awhile. Why do I do this to myself. I want out so bad.

My Depression has set in

And I promised I wouldn't blog but I'm going to, but please take the following with a grain of salt.


I'm tired of the hurt and the pain. Tired of this cough, and tired of the pain in my chest when I do cough. I tell no one about it, its like the time my pancreas failed and I nearly died. I wish I would die. The day I die nothing will change no tears will shed, I'm nothing. I mean not worth the air I breathe. Why do I even try to mean something, I push to become more than this mediocrity that I am, but I fail and fall short and just get hurt.

Why do I want to be happy. I don't want it to come from a pill or some god to tell me I'm ok. I don't want some miracle drug or happening. Elisha used to make me happy. No I feel worse when I see her. She typed about the lovers yesterday and her horoscope, at first I wanted to believe it was me that it spoke of, but I know its not. Its probably dustin or brian or someone much more important than me. I drove to douglas to see her yesterday, I had so much fun and it kills me. I hate saying goodbye because I used to hug her and kiss her forehead and life was okay. But I screwd that up so now I run. OKay goodbye, out the door I go. Why do I give her or heather so much stock in my life. It results in my pain only increasing. Maybe its because I hold hope for them to bring me some happiness. She said she was gonna keep me around. *SCREAM*

I can't wait for this nightmare to end soon. It will. I will be able to deal soon, but self imposed exile seems like a good idea. Why did I kiss her and why did it have to feel so right.

Drunk Blog Mornings

Yeah I'm not really drunk, but for the record San Juan cereza sucks. Skunky sucky beer. Hung out with chuck, he tried telling me all night to just give it the fucking college try with elisha, I want to. I really do, but I'm afraid that I'm never going to see her again. Hate the things I hear, hate them all. Also I told her to read this blog and then tell me to shut the fuck up I hope she does, then this will be over otherwise be prepared lisha, you don't know what you're allowing to stir. Scary scary things....

Chris Out.

Wait no I'm kinda pissed about this, she talks about this guy online who tells her things that he doesn't normally share and that makes her special. It makes me mad because She knows things about me that I tell no one. She means so much to me and that doesn't mean squat FUCK THAT. ok feeling a bit better.

Chris Out now

Coward!

So did I confront ask whats up?? NO. fuck I just sit there jealous of ever guy who talks to her or had been with her, FUCK YOU RUSTY. Did I restate my current crush on her, I wish she would just say something and kill it or encourage it. yeah....GAh thanks for the encouragement alice. I wish I had a chance to talk you up I'm incosistant like that.

I'm never gonna have a decent relationship since I'm a coward.

Chris

Don't worry its gonna get better, right??

A Plot Has Been Brewing

After my rant and reading through the previous, I have a thought stirring in my feeble thought. This thursday I'm going to do something different. I'm going to ask lisha what shes actually thinks of me GASP! I may be giving her heads up here but I don't care. I have made myself fairly clear to her, atleast I think so and I'm tired of subtle or hearing what others think. I want the word to come from the horses mouth. I don't know if she doesn't like me or thinks I'm just a friend but I want to know and I'm gonna fire point blank once I have her alone BWAHAHAHAHA ah ha ha ha? We'll see if that happens. Probably not will see.

Anyhoot Chris Out.

We Know Drama

Haven't you heard? Long blog titles are out this year.

I have many thoughts in my head, I hope that this may be somewhat coherant.

This weekend Elisha and I headed up to denver to see Bright Eyes with the Faint. We had to pay a scalper $200 for two tickets, and it was well worth it. I enjoyed the show very much, but I'm not sure if it was because of the bands. Elaborated later! We were staying at brandon's house in Laramie thanks more so to Brian, who I never really knew but now I feel that he is a very good friend and I hope to hang out more with him. Elaborated Later!

Anyway we decided to get our party on when we got back to laramie and it turned out to be matt's 21st so Happy b-day to him. Since we didn't get back until like 2 am we called brian who got my beer and her booze. We got drunk and Matt kept telling everyone how he loves me. Had no idea but Matt you're a cool dude. Anyways night start wearing down so I thought bed time was in order. I got bummed out that lisha was not coming up and she ended up making out with a certain person that I'll leave on her mind BWAHAHAHAH, elaborated later!

The next day we went to lunch with brian and he talked us into staying another night. It turned out it was this kid Dixon's 21st so we went over there for a couple hours and played some drinking games. Fun was had for all.at midnight we were supposed to head to this bar downtown, but I ripped a whole in my pants so I had to get a change of pants. When we headed down to the bar there was a line outside! So, we made the decision to say F Dixon's party we're going to a different bar. We ended up at this place called Mingles, just Brian, Libby, Lisha, and myself. Mingles is more really clean pool hall more than a bar but it was rad. While drunk I decided to tell lisha that I'm really starting to crush on her so heads up. Well It really was more of me trying to say Don't make out with anyone tonight please unless its me. But I didn't want to say that. Either way she said she would tell me if I push anything too far. Well midway into the first game the girls go do something no idea what. Brian turns and says he thinks lisha thinks I'm fly. seriously.

Elaboration time:

I explain to him that I don't think so. The night before she briefly made out with someone else. We're just friends who cuddle sometimes. He said hes been through that before and said its cool, but told me not to just think of her strictly as a friend because it was stupid to limit myself there. I explained that yeah I know how it that is but I know she doesn't want a relationship right now, we talk about this alot me and her. and then they came back and pool resumed. There will be more elaborating later. We men won two games and ladies won two. After the bar closed we headed home for more drinking. After many hours she passed out and I actually carried her upstairs to the bedroom, nice gesture not so much fun in practice. 40 minutes later shes is awake and back downstairs...BUTT! Anyway at this point its just me, her, and mister last night casanova! I refused to leave them alone. Thats just what I do. He started talking about his experience with absynce. After the story she looked at me and said she wants to maybe try it sometime this summer. My broke subtle meter in my head wanted to believe there was some under lying meaning there, but its broken and makes things up all the time. Finally we go to be, next day, today we get up eat lunner and drive home. Exciting right?? Well just wait for the next gripping very personal getting my ass kicked paragraph.

Lisha, I really want to be honest to you but I can't do it face to face sober. I'm not just recently crushing on you, this has really happened when we first really talked. I'm far to shy to say it. I miss really cuddling with you. Sleeping with you(just sleeping folks) I love when you snore and roll over and lay tightly against me. Today when you had you're hair pulled back, I thought you never ever looked more beautiful. I don't cut my hair because you said not to, I haven't shaved off this stupid mustache because you said not to.I wanted to invite you in my home when we got back to casper but I knew that you needed to get home to douglas. Worse this morning I wanted to wake you with a kiss, but thats a death wish I'm sure. When I say I love someone I mean that they mean more to me than my life itself. I doubt you think of me like this, and I know you don't want a relationship and I'm resigned to that. This rant and these feeling will fade over the course of our friendship but I had to let them out for now. Even if you were interested I wouldn't push, I need to be pulled. Thats how I am. I want to let all the ladies hear this now, If you like me, love me, whatever, you need to tell me I don't do subtle. Hopefully lisha will read this be understanding and just slap me and say snap out of it. Right now I can't go without her because she is fixing me in ways she'll never know. With her by my side I'm unstoppable, and I am strong. YIKES I'm going to far now. Anyway lisha you're my friend and I know that. I'm also sure that you need a break from me after the long weekend but I'll see you when I see you.

Chris

Spring Melodrama, the makeover of tomorrow today underwater

Well I gave the place that casper spring look. You know, still wintery just brighter. No idea what I'm going to do for summer.

Anyways, still haven't moved the heavy stuff into the new place. I talked to my mom she thinks its a good idea to fix the couch and entertainment center anyways.

Talked to lisha on IM everything seems smoothed over. I should delete that post down there but I'll keep it for history's sake. Yeah thats all I got today.

Chris Out

Blog Wars: a retort OR An apology

I'm sorry that I reacted badly or tried to call bullshit. I had at this point thought you didn't read this blog anymore. I had planned this reaction for 10 to 15 minutes now and my words already escape me. I try to be calculated with my words but my hands beat me to the punch. I wish you could hear what I hear and comprehend as I do. To hear the voice in my head tell me that I'm ugly, unentertaining. not worthwhile, a waste, to cut my wrist. End it today be forgotten tomorrow. I have come to pick my fights with this voice. I know what is fact and what is real but some of what that voice speaks goes unchallenged. It builds and it festers. My favorite place in the world is a quiet black unlit room. Not because I'm dark or whatever, but because there I can confront that voice head on. Me and the insecurities, and there I am the winner but when that light comes on, when I see the world around me. I become scared. I can no longer deal with that voice, I'm busy trying to understand the things around me.

I put so much pressure on you because you have no idea what you mean to me. You give me a glimmer of reason in our mixed mess of life. I try to ruin it because it scares me. I haven't felt like that in so long. I'm sorry if I bother or upset you. I can't compete with boy toys like rusty or I can't help but get jealous when you're with Joe. Its not my place to be jealous but I am nothing compared to them and feel like a pity case. Most importantly I want you to be happy and when I read that things went sour I get mad because I couldn't have been there to try my hand at bringing you a smile.

-Just an Insecure nerd afraid of being the real emo monster.

Friendship consulation prize OR all my drunk friends want me to move with them.

I'm not cool. I'm okay with that. I'm also okay with the fact that I am boring. I have a hard time calling people, because of these facts and my insecurities. I doubt feel worthy of your time. Its not my place to waste your perfectly good evening. When you call me I know its because options a through x were busy or unavailable. I'm like the game show consulation prize, Sorry you didn't win the car or get to hang out with joe, thomas, or james but HERES CHRIS. *applause lamp lights*

Side rant: Don't tell me you didn't call cause you didn't want to call anyone, especially when I know you called someone else that evening. I have less qualms with just hey I didn't want to call you.

Why is it when I drink with someone they always want me to move with them. Is it so I can be their crutch until they make cooler more exciting friends in the new city. Peter wants me to move to Omaha and Sam wants me to move to Missoula or Mizzoula or however shitty montanaville is spelled. The only place I'm kind of considering is Omaha just because of the fact that not only peter is there but so is alice. Shes my safety net. Whenever the shit hits the fan shes who I turn to and I wish I was here more whenever she needed me.

Other news I have started constructed the new fantasy land.

Updates forth coming.

Deep thoughts...

last night was the first time in a long time that I spoke to anyone about heather in depth. She will always be a piece of me and thats cool. Moving on doesn't mean forgetting, its about learning growing and etc. I have this problem still though. Hahaha umm I wish I could see that somehow that she still once in a great moon thought about me. You know, that way I feel like I meant, mean something. But why should it matter, I know I mean something when I think about it, Alice still let me blabber on and on and I mean I haven't even actually seen alice with my own eyes for YEARS. Dear god I really do need to visit her. Peter wants to go up to Omaha at some point since he will be attending school up there next semester but I would much rather visit alice on my own accord. I have so many different aspects to my life and I have a really hard time making sense of them all. I have Alice and she is an aspect of my life un to herself. I have lisha, heather, and the others that are yet another aspect. The guys etc.... I really am too childish to try and letting all these aspect work and exist together. I will eventually grow up and maybe work that out but for right now I have some comic books to read.

I am a jerk and a gluton for punishments

Well should I explain my pension for punishing myself or why I'm a jerk. Fine Glutony first.

Ok well I discovered that Heather (BUM BUM BAH!@!@!)is living in Denver. and her room mate has a blog that cover them both time to time. Yep why do I remind myself of something I should have been over years ago but haunts me yet today. Bah Chris Winckler Bah!!!!


Yesterday My phone had been dead since 2 am the morning before. well I finally get it plugged in at 5 pm to discover a voicemail. It was lisha crying because her car broke down on the interstate and no one was answering their phone. I wasn't there which makes me feel like a jerk to start with. I left a message on her phone basically saying that I hope she is okay. The worst part is I saw her the night before at the metro. We really didn't talk while I was there. I kind of just brushed her off, and she never came to speak to me. She was there with some guy just talking or whatever. Prolly just a friend, I say that because I assume it was somebody other than me trying to get into her pants which makes me jealous beyond belief. So I tell myself That it was a friend. Then the Metro closes and I go lay back in my car waiting for Peter, muttering the words of the song playing. She comes over to my car to see if I'm alright.I probably looked like I was crayz to the average passer-by. Its funny because before her checking on me I was planning this whole blog article on how she is not worth my time and I don't know why I had so much stock in her and yadda yadda yadda. I feel bad for it. Its just I know for a fact she has been in town quite a few times and hasn't even said hello once to me. She said she would fix me and you have no idea what that meant to me. With her around that weekend, I wasn't broken then. It was alot like when I was with heather, life made so much sense. And to get a hint of that again was incredible but I just kept building in my head, She was going to fix me. Yep I'm a scary scary nutbar. And when I knew she had been in town and not even just a hint of a hello or hi on the phone I was so mad. And then I turn around and not help her when any decent friend would have done. I'm such a jerk....


Chris out for now.

Update, Nothing makes Sense!!!!

So My life is way off base and I don't know anything.

1) Girl Problems (yes me)

So I have recently ranted about lisha, I miss her, alot more than I should. I almost felt normal again with her around that one weekend. I miss that feeling so much. But we have only talked once since that weekend, reenforcing that feeling that she doesn't like me. She recently made a post about chris rambling alot. And if it wasn't for the msn comment I would have taken it personally, but thankfully I don't use msn so its not me not that it matters. Whatever.

Acklyn, a new contender, we kind of met one day and shes really nice, very religious. Religion scares me. I'm not sure what to make of this girl. I don't feel like I connect to her at all. She knows nothing of the things most important to me. I was supposed to call her over easter weekend. I didn't do it, not sure why.

Gilly?! Whats this. The most interesting aspect of it yet. Appearently she broke up with her boyfriend and has seriously mellowed out. She is basically like the dream girl. James offered to try to set me up with her. Intriguing.....

but I like LISHA and she doesn't like me so what does it matter. I hate being avoided....

2) moving out.

I have to be out of this apartment by thursday and I'm way behind the curve. I'm kind of afraid to leave this fantasy world that I have constructed behind.

3)Trike Racing.

I'll have a link for this soon.

Update: Photos of Monday Night Trikes!@!@!

I just used to say that was hoping to find someone to cry at my funeral. Well I don't care about that right now. I want someone who wouldn't mind spending their time with me, you know smoetime in the near future, we'll see.

Realization

I'm only taking the gun to my own foot here. I need to shut up! And yet I post this. Way to go Chris.

Remorse

I have hit this string where I just want to write. Its really weird, considering I hate writing. Its just something I am not good at. I'm not really good at anything but thats a different topic all together, hell, it still might get covered.

I think more and more about these last two posts and what they mean, and I read her blog and it blows my mind to see this thing 360, or atleast 270. I AM A JERK!!!! Or just a downright terrible human being. I really like to see that Rusty has failed, but was this of his own design? Am I just a puppet in some sort of game with one person at the chess board? I wouldn't be a puppet then I would be a pawn... Alas I'm ranting.

Last night I took Peter to slocum's for his b-day. We met up with Mac and Reed and all those other people...there. I don't think they like me, I wouldn't like me, I don't like me. After the evening I was driving peter home and we were talking about his gf and their plans to go to Colorado this weekend. He brought up lisha, and asked if I, "was gonna go for it?". I explained how it doesn't matter and in the end the answer is no.

Its funny I have been trying to master the art of saying lisha, not Alisha or in this case Elisha, it comes out lisa alot. Why am I even doing that, it doesn't MATTER!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHH!@!@!@! (scream).

I tend to make a mountain out of an ant mound. My mother made the off hand comment the other day that when I fall in love its full on no ifs ands or buts. Now I'm not saying that I love this person I just met. That would be rediculous. Really really stupid but I'm starting to worry that this is quickly becoming a mountain for me and I know deep down its not even close. Never will be.

There is nothing to like about me, I have no redeeming qualities, other than playing the fool I seem to be good at that. I have no real skills or trades of any kind. If there is something I am decent at, I can promise you I have an acquintance(sp?) that is ten times better. They say that the world is a stage. Well my part is extra in the crowd seen. I'm not a player in this little drama. I'm gonna quietly die one day and its not going to affect anyone. It will go unnoticed and maybe someone just might wonder and will quickly kill their curiousity with some refeshing glass of lemonade or something lame like that.

I need a real journal. Because this sharing my personal thoughts online is kind of a scary thought. Ahh fuck it.

Party Crowd Scene Guy #1 out

Fallout

Back to back blogs?! The Terror, the unimaginable horror of it all. Is this the end of the world? No, atleast I don't think so.

I have spent the past day killing rumors and making plans. Evil plans. BWAHAHAHAHAH ah HA!

I talked to Peter and the first thing he asked if something happened. I explained that I told her the truth as he already knew as from hanging out at the duplex. I don't know if I explained that my mission was public knowledge within that place. Sorry to break it here lisha. Then I explained we hung out. "Hung out til Sunday afternoon", yes hung out til sunday afternoon. No nothing happened, no she is very sweet. Why can't people except that nothing happened? We should have moved her car. Some place less public.

Yep. in addition I had a job interview today which was being talked at for 10-15 minutes. I have never had an interview that bad, but my "good" interviews haven't been working out so maybe this will work out. need money....

And now for the evil plan. It started when future roommates stopped by and asked about the bacardi on the table. I explained it and its orgins. Thanks to side tracking we talked about their exploited in Douglas. So Appearantly now we will be running rampant in Douglas on April fools. Damn I just gave it away....

Another day, another tasty debbie snack cake.

March Madness

So things have been strange.....And prompted this blog. The girl rusty had, well he put me in charge of taking care of her so he can be with his new girlfriend. Well anyway we have hung out twice now and it has gotten interesting. We're drinking last night and I get sick, lose it in front of her. She was really nice about the whole thing. I told her according to wayne's world this means she loves me. But after this I feel that she deserves the truth to know about rusty and his stupid plot or whatever. I spent the night cuddling with her and just trying to be a nice guy, The thing is, I really like her. I tried to convey this but I know she isn't interested because of two things. 1) I'm not attractive. but this is the more important one. 2) She had problem with guys like rusty before and she doesn't want to have a boyfriend or be with a guy on the rebound and well I put her on the rebound. I had her stay the night here because I did not want her driving home upset. We watched tv and cuddled some more before I took her to her car. I wish I could have met her before rusty and had the ball to ask her out. She wouldn't give me her phone number because she wanted me to find her at the metro. Its funny I frequent that place way more now because I really want to see her. Funny I gave her the address to this place. I did warn her about a rant that may be a bit personal...

She is the girl I dream of, well almost, not the full on geek. But she has the beautiful face and short hair and a great personality. I have no idea why rusty couldn't see that. I'm getting no where fast. Yep.

Long time no blog

This is my winter melodrama and it must continue. Tonight I got drunk for the first time. It was pretty fun. I don't think I'll be repeating any time soon though, It was more of an experiment. HERE IS THE DRAMA. I want something else!!! I want to feel like if I were to die today someone would actually care. Even beyond that I'm tired of coming in last place. Just once I want to come out ahead. I've lost my job after being fired by a complete hosebag of a boss. I can barely pay my rent, I'm tired of feeling like my friends aren't really my friends, they just are there to deal with me. Like I'm some big nuisance. Fuck I'm tired of seeing the people around me constantly get it better than me. I'm at the Duplex and Rusty has a woman he doesn't even like but she gorgeous so of course hes fucking her, and then charlie who has a girlfriend get a girl tonight. So their other roommate and I have to sit around and listen to the two different couples. I would hate to do that to my friends. JUST ONCE, I would like to have the chance though. I"M EVERYONE SWEET FRIEND. You ever think that the sweet friend is so tired of it that he doesn't care anymore. BECAUSE I'M GETTING THERE.


*SCREAM*