My Depression has set in

And I promised I wouldn't blog but I'm going to, but please take the following with a grain of salt.


I'm tired of the hurt and the pain. Tired of this cough, and tired of the pain in my chest when I do cough. I tell no one about it, its like the time my pancreas failed and I nearly died. I wish I would die. The day I die nothing will change no tears will shed, I'm nothing. I mean not worth the air I breathe. Why do I even try to mean something, I push to become more than this mediocrity that I am, but I fail and fall short and just get hurt.

Why do I want to be happy. I don't want it to come from a pill or some god to tell me I'm ok. I don't want some miracle drug or happening. Elisha used to make me happy. No I feel worse when I see her. She typed about the lovers yesterday and her horoscope, at first I wanted to believe it was me that it spoke of, but I know its not. Its probably dustin or brian or someone much more important than me. I drove to douglas to see her yesterday, I had so much fun and it kills me. I hate saying goodbye because I used to hug her and kiss her forehead and life was okay. But I screwd that up so now I run. OKay goodbye, out the door I go. Why do I give her or heather so much stock in my life. It results in my pain only increasing. Maybe its because I hold hope for them to bring me some happiness. She said she was gonna keep me around. *SCREAM*

I can't wait for this nightmare to end soon. It will. I will be able to deal soon, but self imposed exile seems like a good idea. Why did I kiss her and why did it have to feel so right.