Lisha laid it down last weekend, told me its just friends or nothing. So I've been trying to ignore her existance so far this week. But I get my little notice of blog updates from my rss feeds and I see her blog, and still don't see my name. I JUST WANT TO KNOW I MATTERED. Its okay I know now that I don't. She said if we hooked up that I would eventually lose her altogether but I'm more than likely going to anyway and thats the worst part. She told me that she has no feelings for me and then explained that if we did hook up that it would end badly. These two things conflict to me. If she had no feelings why would she even PONDER hooking up. Then she asked why it was such a big deal to me to hook up. "I DON"T OWN HER" I know that I told her then I would know I mattered and that she cared enough about me to actually give it a shot. and then maybe I would get to be one of her stories that she shares so much. I'm not really sad about this I just feel numb. I feel like I don't matter or even really exist. I hate being unattractive and a loser and sometimes I wish I just wouldn't wake up. Like anyone would notice I'm gone.
After my lease is up I'm giving thought to moving away from casper, from wyoming. To some place where I know I'm insignificant and thats ok.
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