I'm sorry that I reacted badly or tried to call bullshit. I had at this point thought you didn't read this blog anymore. I had planned this reaction for 10 to 15 minutes now and my words already escape me. I try to be calculated with my words but my hands beat me to the punch. I wish you could hear what I hear and comprehend as I do. To hear the voice in my head tell me that I'm ugly, unentertaining. not worthwhile, a waste, to cut my wrist. End it today be forgotten tomorrow. I have come to pick my fights with this voice. I know what is fact and what is real but some of what that voice speaks goes unchallenged. It builds and it festers. My favorite place in the world is a quiet black unlit room. Not because I'm dark or whatever, but because there I can confront that voice head on. Me and the insecurities, and there I am the winner but when that light comes on, when I see the world around me. I become scared. I can no longer deal with that voice, I'm busy trying to understand the things around me.
I put so much pressure on you because you have no idea what you mean to me. You give me a glimmer of reason in our mixed mess of life. I try to ruin it because it scares me. I haven't felt like that in so long. I'm sorry if I bother or upset you. I can't compete with boy toys like rusty or I can't help but get jealous when you're with Joe. Its not my place to be jealous but I am nothing compared to them and feel like a pity case. Most importantly I want you to be happy and when I read that things went sour I get mad because I couldn't have been there to try my hand at bringing you a smile.
-Just an Insecure nerd afraid of being the real emo monster.
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1 comment:
Hello. And Bye.
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