Remorse

I have hit this string where I just want to write. Its really weird, considering I hate writing. Its just something I am not good at. I'm not really good at anything but thats a different topic all together, hell, it still might get covered.

I think more and more about these last two posts and what they mean, and I read her blog and it blows my mind to see this thing 360, or atleast 270. I AM A JERK!!!! Or just a downright terrible human being. I really like to see that Rusty has failed, but was this of his own design? Am I just a puppet in some sort of game with one person at the chess board? I wouldn't be a puppet then I would be a pawn... Alas I'm ranting.

Last night I took Peter to slocum's for his b-day. We met up with Mac and Reed and all those other people...there. I don't think they like me, I wouldn't like me, I don't like me. After the evening I was driving peter home and we were talking about his gf and their plans to go to Colorado this weekend. He brought up lisha, and asked if I, "was gonna go for it?". I explained how it doesn't matter and in the end the answer is no.

Its funny I have been trying to master the art of saying lisha, not Alisha or in this case Elisha, it comes out lisa alot. Why am I even doing that, it doesn't MATTER!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHH!@!@!@! (scream).

I tend to make a mountain out of an ant mound. My mother made the off hand comment the other day that when I fall in love its full on no ifs ands or buts. Now I'm not saying that I love this person I just met. That would be rediculous. Really really stupid but I'm starting to worry that this is quickly becoming a mountain for me and I know deep down its not even close. Never will be.

There is nothing to like about me, I have no redeeming qualities, other than playing the fool I seem to be good at that. I have no real skills or trades of any kind. If there is something I am decent at, I can promise you I have an acquintance(sp?) that is ten times better. They say that the world is a stage. Well my part is extra in the crowd seen. I'm not a player in this little drama. I'm gonna quietly die one day and its not going to affect anyone. It will go unnoticed and maybe someone just might wonder and will quickly kill their curiousity with some refeshing glass of lemonade or something lame like that.

I need a real journal. Because this sharing my personal thoughts online is kind of a scary thought. Ahh fuck it.

Party Crowd Scene Guy #1 out